Feeling Provoked?

Feeling Provoked?

It's actually quite simple. We all get provoked. When your buttons get pushed, you react. Automatically. After all, that's what getting your buttons pushed means. Stimulus-response, stimulus-response. Or rather, stimulus-reaction. For "response" implies choice; and when your buttons are being hammered, your counter-behavior is instantaneous—sans forethought, deliberation, or (for that matter) discretion. In such instances, you're impelled—by a force that's far stronger, far more primal, than your rational adult mind—to strenuously defend yourself. Or to attack whoever has (perhaps unwittingly) provoked you. Or, in a sudden state of urgency, to hastily retreat from the situation altogether.

Getting your buttons pushed almost invariably sends you on an unwelcome trip back to your past, to a time when you possessed precious few resources to protect yourself from what, in the moment, felt dangerous. In the midst of provocation the human response is to go into fight or flight mode. We seek to avoid the situation altogether or alternately, we may seek to take it on and perhaps give as good as we get. We’ve been triggered and the provocation gets the better of us.

How we handle provocation though says more about us that the provocateur.

Bill Eddy, a US lawyer/social worker talks about three elements when it comes to us being triggered. Those elements are:

1. All or none thinking;
2. Unmanaged emotions;
3. Extreme behavior.

The challenge, according to Mr. Eddy is to develop flexible thinking, manage our emotions and moderate our behavior.

So much begins with self awareness – the ability to monitor oneself and recognize one’s emotional states. Only by first recognizing one’s emotional state can one then begin to regulate one’s emotions.

One regulates their emotions by first recognizing the emotional state and then putting thinking between the emotion and behavior. By inserting thinking between feeling and doing, the person then gets to generate a number of alternative actions which is the hallmark of flexible thinking. On the basis of the alternative actions generated the person can then determine the likely outcomes of the various alternatives if taken and then choose the course of action on the basis of the desired outcome. That lends itself to moderate behavior.

It looks like this:

Manage yourself and you master your response and better manage the situation and provocation. This de-escalates situations and lends itself to better outcomes. 

Above all, remember this: While emotional intelligence can help you manage your relationships, ultimately you cannot control another person's behavior. But, you can absolutely control your reaction to others' attempts to provoke you. In doing so, you will demonstrate your EQ -- and make your emotions work for you instead of against you.

Resource:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/evolution-the-self/200910/disarming-your-buttons-how-not-get-provoked-pt-1-4

https://garydirenfeld.wordpress.com/2019/01/09/feeling-provoked/